As I watch the progression of my mother’s mental state sink deeper into the fog of that strange world caused by Alzheimer’s disease, I find myself teetering on the brink of despair. My nerves are frazzled by frustration filled days and sleepless night. My emotions are covered with the stickiness of stress and my body is racked with pain and tired beyond belief.
I see no improvement, only that heart wrenching depression. My heart feels pressed and my back aches from lifting her from the floor when she gets off balanced and slides down from her chair. My disposition has begun to resemble that of an ogre, snapping at people and grumbling.
It is these times that I hate. I know that it is only going to get worse. I hear echoes of friends and family members who constantly urge me to put her in a nursing home. They reason that I will live a better life without all of the stress. So often I feel like giving into these temptations, letting go of my promise to her to never put her there. It is these times that simply grate on my already raw nerves. I see nothing in the near future but more pain, more confusion and more frustration. I feel like yelling, “God, why are you letting this happen to her? Why are you letting this happen to me?”
When these thoughts mottle my brain, God speaks to me gently and reminds me of the bigger picture. He reminds me that I am letting the small picture of my immediate predicament cloud the bigger picture. He reminds me that Job was in a similar circumstance, racked with pain and disappointment. He gently nudges me to consider the situation from a higher perspective.
He reminds me of the joy that He has given me by answering my prayers to leave her with me for a little while longer. He causes me to remember all of the times when she, my mother, comforted me when I was upset or angry or just plain frustrated. He even goes so far as to give my mother moments of clarity when she thanks me for taking care of her and being so good to her.
When I lift my head above my own troubles, I can see clearly that God is watching. I remember that He has promised to always be with me and to never forsake me. I can see that He commanded me to honor my mother and father. I remember that He told me that He would never put on me more than I could handle.
When I look at the bigger picture, God shows me that it is the enemy who is causing me to focus on my pain. It is the enemy who sends friends and relatives to discourage me. It is the enemy who has planned my failure for me and is waiting for me to accept it.
I have the victory. I have the blessings of God even in my darkest hour. God grants me an abiding peace, one that passes all understanding. I thank Him for giving me the opportunity to turn these fiery trials into a victory for me, my mother and for Him.
